Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Why did I decide to have children

My depressed neighbour comes to my place almost everyday, except on weekends. She is a 62 year old woman with no husband nor children. She is terribly lonely and longs for an immediate family. She wished there would be a person willing to live in her flat and keep her company. She felt she has made a mistake by not wanting a family when she had the chance. Now it’s too late.

I’ve thought about this when I was in college, single and apparently not interested in boys. Even though I have many friends, sometimes I did feel lonely. It’s a terrible feeling. So I decided I want a husband and a family with children so that I’ll never be lonely.

My DH once said one child is enough, he didn’t think he could handle more. But I don’t want to end up like her aunt, a single mum who recently lost her teenage daughter, her only child, in a car accident. Now she’s all alone, at least living with my IL. Though I truly admired her faith in God and she accepted fate with grace. I don’t think I could handle it as well as she did. My mom lost her husband, but she still have us children.

I want more children so that when they grow up, raya time would be so merry. When my children have their own children, it will even be merrier.

Most importantly, I want more children so that they can pray for me. I am a sinner. I hope at least with my children’s prayers, I’ll be forgiven and sent to heaven.

I love being a mom. Even now when Sofia is just 4 months old, I secretly wished I was expecting again. I love babies now. They just grow up so quickly. I get more emotional now when I hear news about child abuse and buang bayi. I almost wished those poor babies were sent to my doorstep so that I can take care of them.

My cousins used to send their kids to my aunt when they were working. Some left their children on weekdays and came back on weekends. I was in high school then. My aunt took care about 8 grandchildren and she was always complaining to my mom about how tired she was and how her children are not giving money for formula and diapers. My poor aunt. So I made a vow to myself to take care of my own children, insya Allah. I didn’t have the heart to burden my mom like that.

Maybe this entry is in conjuction with Mother’s Day recently. Being a housewife is so exhausting. But being a mother is so overwhelming with joy every day. So how can I let myself have a ME time when the thought of that alone feels like I’m committing a crime to my children. I feel as if having a ME time means neglecting my children. Let alone having a career where my children will be seeing their carers more than they see me. Maybe I am overprotective. But I believe in the saying, bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian.

Emmet will start school in another one or two years. I’m excited he will start a new milestone in his life. But I’m so going to miss him. He will be busy having friends and classes and might not want to see me that much anymore. His friends would be his idol then. So please God let me enjoy him to the fullest or another one or two years. Love you cheeky kids!


farrahar said...

I want lots of em kids too! :)

lott said...

but 2 ni pun feels like there's no time to declutter the house...